Disc #22: Bif (I Bifficus)

Artist: Bif aka Bif Naked
Album: I Bificus
Released by Aquarius Records in 1998

Before the comments start flying, it should be made known that I am quite embarrassed that this album is in my collection. I can't even blame it on my wife. I should have tossed it years ago, thus avoiding this situation. However, this is all part of the experiment.

I started listening to it on my way to work this morning. I had just finished listening to "Songs For Silverman" for the second time through, so I threw on the next CD in line, Bif. What a dichotomy. I was so sad. Going from beautiful piano arrangements and compelling lyrics to... something I don't even really know how to describe.

Here's what's been happening to me recently. I listen to great music on the way to work, and then I get to work and listen to crappy music on the radio. Now, some radio stations are good, but not the ones that have been chosen at my work place. So, by the end of the day, I'm really looking forward to getting into my car and listening to some great tunes. Especially lately, since I've had BNL, Beck, and Ben Folds, all in a row. This was not how I felt at the end of the day today. I wanted to stay at work and listen to crappy pop music. Anything would have been better than what was waiting for me in the car.

There are so many things that I could rant about. I think I'll feel better if I just let it all out. First of all, some thing's wrong with the mixing of her voice. There were several times that I could barely hear the vocals over the instruments, and I almost turned it up, but then I remembered that I didn't care. I assume that when you're making an album, you want your fans to hear your voice properly, what do I know about mixing? I do know that even good mixing wouldn't help the over all quality of this recording one iota.

If you've ever heard Bif naked before, you know that her vocal ability is less than savoury. She sounds like an even more strung out version of Alanis Morrisette. I kicked a cat in the barn once and it made a more pleasing sound. Maybe that explains the mixing.

The lyrics, which are totally uninspiring, are a healthy blend of teen angst and potty humour, with a large dollop of immaturity thrown in there for good measure. Adding the lyric "You peed my name in the snow" to a love song, does not enhance the emotional value of the tune. If it was any one else, I would have called this satire, but I'm not giving her that much credit.

In terms of genre within the album, she's all over the map. It goes from punk to alternative to goth to dance, all in just a few tracks. If I wasn't already totally turned off intellectually, I would have been confused.

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, I got to hear two songs over again in the form of remixes by none other than The Boomtang Boys. Oh Yippee! You may remember the "big" hit, "Spaceman". In the late 90s, just about anyone could produce a hit. The dance version of that song might have been even bigger, at least in dance clubs. Needless to say, it lacked longevity.

If you think I'm being too harsh on poor Bif, let me give you some insight into my thought process. Part way through the album I said to myself, "You're just being biased from the start. You should give her a chance and focus on the music in order to extract the positive points from the songs." That was 100% unsuccessful. I obviously never listened to it after I first bought it because there is nothing good on this album. Once or twice a song would start up and it sounded promising. Ten seconds into it she had already dashed any hope of creating good music.

I was planning to give this album a score of 2, but then my clever wife asked me what in our collection is worse than Bif Naked. I couldn't think of anything, which gives me sound reason to award the lowest score possible on THE MIKE JONES SCALE OF DISC AWESOMENESS:

1

I will be tossing this disc, or maybe giving it one more shot at Deja Vu Discs before throwing it out. If for some weird reason you want it, let me know quickly. Also be warned that I might never speak to you again.

Please join me next time as the experiment continues and we enjoy some incredible vocal talent with Disc #23: Billie Holiday (Love Songs).